The Sex Talk: Don’t Make it Awkward

Well, it’s official, guys.

Our oldest son “officially” knows that daddy puts his penis in mommy’s vagina.

Oh, I’m sorry.  TMI?

Yeah, I agree.

But apparently there’s no getting around it.  Eventually, your kid is going to find out that the same event goes down in YOUR house, and as disturbing as it is for LITERALLY everyone involved, it’s best they hear it from you first. Probably sooner rather than later.

Our oldest has had a lot of questions lately.  Questions about anatomy. Questions about, “what does the word ‘sexy’ mean?” Questions regarding, “what SORTS of inappropriate things would I see on the internet, if you guys were to give me unsupervised access to it?”  Questions.

In addition to that, his school has implemented the cursed BYOT policy.  Bring Your Own Technology.  Bring your Own Portal to Porn, Second Graders. It’ll be awesome.  I hate this policy so much, but it is what it is, and we want to stay ahead of the curve, before the inevitable occurs, and “I Have an Older Brother in Junior High, and He Schools Me on Stuff” Liam, shows “My Mama and Dada Ain’t Told Me Nuttin” Gunnar about this “cool website” his sex-savvy older brother taught him how to get to.  Listen up:  “Liam” is coming your way sooner than you may think, I almost guarantee it.

The things I love the most about my husband (which coincidentally are also the very same set of character qualities that sometimes make me cringe), are his boldness, his no-nonsense approach, and whatever it is in him that prevents him from EVER feeling awkward about ANYTHING.  You ask him a question, you get an answer…possibly an answer that is more than you bargained for….but an answer.

One example.  A few months ago, he took our son to a nearby water park, just the two of them.  As they floated the lazy river, my son asked, “when will I get armpit hair,  dad?”.  “Probably when you are 12 or so”, my husband tells him.  “Well, what else will happen to me when I’m 12?”  “Hair on your balls”, was the straight-faced answer.  “So……what about girls? What happens to them?”. “Boobs, armpit hair, hair on their vagina”.

Cool.  Done.  Back to floating the river and talking basketball stats.

That was a precursor to the main event.

Last night, the main event went down.

The “main event” being the “let’s toss a football back and forth together in the back yard, while I (father) tell you (son) ALL the things”.

They talked about erections and sperm and intercourse and pregnancy and about the fact that God designed sex, and how and when and why it’s supposed to go down, according to His plans.

The best, most important thing my husband said to him though, in my opinion, was this: “Nothing about this is awkward.  Sex is a good thing, and maybe it sounds weird to you, but you don’t need to feel weird talking about it with mom and I.  Ask us anything you want, ever, and it’s no big deal. We don’t care.  We don’t think it’s strange or embarrassing at all  (Um, I do.  Hello, I DO!!)

“That’s right, bud”, I said lied.  “It’s not awkward or weird at all.  Bring it.”

So he did.   When I tucked him into bed that night, long after the conversation had ended, and my sweat had subsided, and my shoulders had relaxed, he “brought it”.   “So mom, dad said you guys don’t want any more babies. If that’s true, I have two questions.  1) WHY do you still let him do that to you (“that” being the whole penis in the vagina thing again), and 2) Do you guys do that a BUNCH or just SOMETIMES?

Lawd.

(Click here to view a great book series, designed to guide you through this process.  Me? I remembered we OWN these books, exactly 5 minutes AFTER the conversation was over)

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